Monsters

Hurt in your stride

Madness in your eyes

Terror in your touch

Hate in your kiss

My lips are stitched into a grimace

while vileness slithers across my skin.

“I don’t want this to be awkward”

You creepy fucking asshole!

I scream,

but those stitches just pull tighter.

A funny scarecrow doll grin

Hollow straw body crumbles under

Your hot-headed hands

“Shh… stay quiet and keep hidden, he can’t hurt you if he can’t find you.”

But monsters hide

Under the bed

In the closet

In passersby’s faces

In the mirror

You're making me Dizzy...

My head is spinning. Literally. Every once in a while I have a string of dizzy spells for a couple of days. I'm not really sure what's causing it. The latest series of spells started yesterday.

I woke up with a headache yesterday morning, and it stayed with me all day. I felt light headed even though I ate and kept hydrated. On the drive home I got a quick snack, and I felt momentarily better. After dinner though, I started to get another dizzy spell. I'm thinking it's maybe something I'm eating. (Last night I had white rice, black beans and jalapeno sausage.) Maybe a gluten allergy?

Last night the dizziness caused me to not sleep very well. I laid in bed for an hour, and it felt like the room was spinning. This morning is more of the same. I know I need to go to the doctor, but I don't necessarily have the money or the time at the moment. I have a day off coming up in a few weeks. It's my birthday, but maybe my gift to myself should be a clean bill of health.

In other areas things are somewhat awkward and feel estranged. I don't know how to explain it other than that, and I don't feel like launching into an analytic diatribe. We'll see if things straighten up this week. Perhaps Mercury is in retrograde.

What a Week

Why is it that the "short" work weeks always feel the longest? Even though today was a Friday, in terms of disruptions and misbehaviors at school, it felt like a Monday. I'm not going to launch into the details, but let's just say, WTF?!?!?! Some days I just don't get it.

To top this gloriously exhausting Friday, I worked the basketball game gate. The boys were on fire. Liquid fire. Their teamwork almost seemed like a brush stroke of genius on canvas. It was pretty exciting to watch. The downside? Staying after work on a Friday until 6 for the game to start and driving 2 hours home afterward.

Time to stop the complaining. It's the weekend! Time to be productive and still sleep in. It's times like tonight that I am grateful I am a teacher.

Sugar Crashing on New Year's Resolutions

I've been getting up at 5am this past week, a trend that will be continuing for the remainder of the Spring Semester. Having an hour and a half commute to work is already wreaking havoc on me, but thankfully, I do not have to drive. In an effort to wake up my brain before school starts, I have been drinking large quantities of soda and eating a candy shop's worth of chocolate. (Don't tell Christopher!) I'm starting to feel the effects. I feel completely ~*WiReD omgwtfbbq*~!1!1! But in the "this is trippy" way.

I suppose it's time for a full body detox. Probably not a good idea to do it while at school, but it's either now or never. I either do it when I say I want to, or I will procrastinate and never get it. Much like many of the other things I start with good intentions but never finish. Resolution #1: Finish what you start! This should ultimately lead to the successful completion of Resolution #2: Lose 30 lbs - becoming physically fit.

I also have been scatter-brained as of late. I don't feel like I can focus on anything. I know that my lessons are suffering because of it. Maybe I'm trying to hard. Maybe I'm focusing on everything so much at all once that I can't pinpoint even ONE thing. Resolution #3: Focus on only one thing at a time. If need be I will create "To Do" Lists. It won't even need to be done in level of importance just so long as A. I do one thing at a time, B. Don't overwhelm myself with too many tasks in a day and C. Do ONE THING AT A TIME! (Multi-tasking, though a skill, is not very efficient or effective. Tough lesson! Take note.)

I'm sure there are more resolutions I want to accomplish, but in effort to not overwhelm myself I think I'm just going to start with those three. Resolution #3 is already working. Bazinga!

Re-Reinvention: Just who am I anyway?

It's a new year, one supposedly full of fresh beginnings. No doubt many things have started anew, but I'm still left with the question "Who am I?"

I've changed the purpose of this blog many times over, and I've constantly deleted, edited, and freshly started topics with seeming gung-ho'ness. I always get caught up in other things and neglect that I need an outlet.

This brings me to resolutions. They energize us and fill us with hope that, by golly this time around, we're not going to deviate. Yet, we've already betrayed ourselves when on December 31st we say "I will start tomorrow." Why do we set ourselves up for failure?

That's the questions and dilemma I'm struggling with now. I know I am not a failure. I am NOT a failure. So why do I feel like one? Maybe I should list my successes to put things in perspective.

Carrie's Top 10 "Success" List of 2010

• 10. I survived and maintained living on my OWN for the first time in my life for a whole year. It wasn't easy, and I didn't think I'd make it some months.
• 9. I got my butt in gear and actually lost 25lbs. Not only did this make me look better, but I started to feel better about myself. 
• 8. I paid all my bills on time. This might seem like a silly success. but doing this wasn't ever easy. I did have to borrow a little bit of money at times. I made it a point to pay people back, and if I didn't, please let me know so I can!
• 7. I acquired a "new" car. Still something small, but at the same time reaffirming.
• 6. I made new friendships. For someone who has difficulty making and keeping friends, to put myself out there and be successful creating lasting friendship was one of the most important things of 2010.
• 5. I completed my first year of teaching with high marks. Careers are important!
• 4. I received 100% passing rate of my students on their standardized test. This was a major milestone for me and for them.
• 3. I was nominated by my school district for Humanities Texas Teacher of the Year Award. Considering I just finished my first year of teaching, this means a lot to me that my administration sees so much potential in me.
• 2. I read at least 15 books and wrote at least 20 poems. This is my passion, my true love. In years previously I wouldn't read anything but school text books and wouldn't write anything at all. This was a big, much needed and much enjoyed, improvement.
• 1. I realized and accepted that I'm much stronger than I previously gave myself credit for. This is my greatest success of all last year.

Wow... That took longer than I thought to write, but I had to go back through all the minor successes I had along the way. I count myself very lucky to have had 10 successes last year. With that being said: I still struggle with who I am. I know why I am a teacher. I know why I love to read and write and listen to music. I know why I prefer to eat my food in a certain order. What I don't know is why I start things but never truly finish them. I don't know why I get inexplicably sad sometimes. I don't know why I constantly feel separated.

I guess that's where we are now: with a new start to the year and lots of questions to answer over the next 360 days. For the first time in many, many years, I'm looking forward to what the future of this year holds, even if at the end of the year, I don't like what I learned.